Am So Not Happy

I still feel sad and upset with what was said about me. I think i am still badly affected with what my boss said to me yesterday. Knowing that there is a group of people who does not share my professional values, ways of thinking and ways of doing things.

With that in mind I now have started to question myself. Am I suitable to be in the company? I have never questioned my role in any company I have worked for before. I have always been able to adopt. Most of my bosses and colleagues would want to work with me again. That alone is a testimonial to my ability and my contribution.

Is it me or is it them? How should I approach this situation? Now in my mind, these people are hypocrites. Why can't they say it to my face?

ieja

Reality Check

Ever since I came to this new company (pretty soon, I won't be able to use the term "new company"), I have established the need to have personal sessions with my boss as and when needed. I think I have made an impression on him that I appreciate honest and open communication between us - me providing feedback on my part about work and him providing feedback on my performances and other work-related matters. I'm in my 7th month working for him now and we have had about 3 of such sessions.

This morning, I had another such session with him - our "reality check session". BTW, I was away from the office for almost 2 weeks at the beginning of the month. And his story began with "while you were away...". He said that he talked to a few people to gauge how they feel about my new role in the company and mostly to elicit feedback on the progress of some things that I've been working on with these people. The feedback given to him was very interesting...

He started by saying that while those people were appreciative the knowledge that I brought in to the company and the areas that they were working on, one particular thing that they wished I had done was to acknowledge the depth of their knowledge. They feel that there was a big gap and that when they were assigned tasks, they were not able to meet my expectations, that I sort of "demanded" more than what they could deliver.

Well... I am working on that part :)) And the boss knows about it. But I find it very hard to balance up between giving tasks to people and expect them to deliver something which is of a low quality. And I find it hard to balance up between instructing and eliciting to get something done. I expect people to come to me with questions if they don't understand my instructions or what is it that they need to deliver. I also expect people to be independent enough to look for information and resourceful enough to provide solutions to a problem before they admit that they can't do certain tasks. Wouldn't that what any bosses want from a staff? I don't think I have met a boss who can tolerate a staff who is dependent on him/her for everything.

At the same time, I don't think I micromanage everything. I am very structured - that I guilty admit. But I think I allow people to creatively work around their deliverable. Hmmm.. how do you satisfy different people with 1 solution?

I am at the brink of giving up. It frustrates me... maybe as much as I frustrate other people here...

ieja

Lunch with a Friend

I had lunch with a friend last week. We talked about work, catching up with each other's happenings. But what was dear to me was the conversation that we had about us being a parent and about our children.

When we talked about work, we were all serious, negotiating terms and conditions, and stating terms of reference. But when we talked about our children, I immediately noticed how our tone changed from businesslike to affection and love. I guess that's how mothers are. We talked about the juggling work that we have to do, how she was coping with her hubby away for many months now, her twins and school. Me with my obsession of clean floors, having to wake up after midnite to finish work. And one common thing that we shared was how much we didn't want to miss out the years now with our children as they grow up.

I have always wanted to fast track my career. She did that faster than me. But we agreed that we shouldn't miss out the fun and laughter and the pain of raising our children. But we are stuck sometimes (or most of the time) between chasing our dreams of becoming a certain someone in the corporate world and being there all the time for our children. We realised that these are the years that our children need us the most. The time when we can shape them to better people, and prepare them for the cruel world. If we are not engaged now, we will never be able to be part of that important 'growing up' phase.

At the same time, we also know that once our children are independent enough, they won't need us as much as they need us now. And the only thing that we can fall back to is our achievements in the corporate world. What will we do if suddenly our children say "mummy, I know how to do this. I don't need you now?" That part of growing is bound to come. And in Malaysia, it is very hard to climb that corporate ladder for women of a certain age. So the important question here is... how do we do the balancing act?

How I wish I could just stay at home and be there when Iqie, Afeeq and Rayna woke up every morning, had meals with them, sent them to schools, tuitioned them myself, and put them to bed with bedtime stories. But reality is pretty hard to swallow...

At the same time, I wish I could unleash 150% of my potential so that I could be on top of that ladder, and be that someone whose a company depended on to perform.

ieja